When I was first diagnosed, I feared death. My busy head filled with ideas of bargaining and attempting to finagle my way out of it. I was focused on doing what is necessary to put that thing off. The idea of going on a ventilator, etc.? I’m tough, I will fight to do whatever it takes, I’m going to go on for a good while.
My thinking has changed. Truly becoming incapable of accomplishing things, no matter how hard you try, changes things. Plus, time to mentally evolve changes things.
The things I now fear are losing control, losing independence, losing the things I enjoy, becoming a burden, losing the ability to choose the end.
Perhaps one of the most pressing problems on my mind is the prospect of overwhelming my wife, Mary, tiring her out, or the sad, nagging idea in my head that she would have been better off to not have fallen in love with me. Death has actually fallen mostly off the radar.
Fear when we hAve physical challenges, what happens when we have fear and mentally challenged. RIP Kate Spade, Anthony Bourdain..
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Dear David I just run into your blog this morning and I could not to stop reading all your posts. I am in a situation very similar to yours and I have lived and I am living all of your feelings, fears, hopes and the other. I have been particularly hit by this post, where you talk about your partner and the relationship with her. I would like to exchange some more feelings about this (and more) since I am posing myself the same kind of questions and I have so many doubts about what it is the right thing. It is a very personal argument. Maybe we could write to each other. My best regards, Paolo (from Florence, Italy).
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