Crossing new thresholds has been difficult lately. I find myself in a race between two competing forces; First: the process of becoming more skillful with accepting loss, and Second: the never ending parade of loss. This disease never lets you rest, or mentally get a grip. None of our solutions last, all are temporary.
First: It’s nearly impossible to be good at anything without practice. Dealing with loss is a practiced endeavor. Self denial is very much a practiced endeavor, which is a hard one because it is voluntary. Have you ever noticed how people in war zones and the very poor, seem to roll with the punches, march on somehow? People on top of the world are more likely to lash out at any injustice. The trick, I suppose, is knowing when fighting back is productive. Perhaps even more important, is knowing not to project your disappointments onto innocent others.
Second: The march goes on. I can no longer get in or out of the bed, on or off the toilet, reliably roll over in bed, get dressed…. without Mary’s help. God bless her heart is the best way to put it. This crossing of thresholds is perhaps the biggest takeaway yet. Loss of being a good athlete, and of all that goes with that, was hard, but this is bigger. This is about being a self actuated human. It’s not quite as important how, or to what degree that you are empowered, just so long as you are. Counterbalancing this problem, Mary and I are more of a unit now, but I sometimes worry about burdening her so.
It becomes easy to withdraw. I don’t mind hard, but “can’t” truly changes the situation, no matter what your attitude. The mental struggle is winnable much, but not all of, the time.
A major thing for all of us to figure out is how to make life good with what we have. In other words, what is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything? I’ll work on that in future posts. So far, I’m coming up with 42. (Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)
Love you, David. And Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is one of Charles’s all-time favorites–your sense and appreciation of certain types of humor is one of the things you have in common.