It’s a weird situation. I feel fine and normal. I feel no different when not attempting to move in ways that I can’t. I look out at the world around me with the same eyes as I have all my life. It’s amazing how you get used to things, but on rare occasions, I look at the far end of the room and wonder “why don’t I just pop up and run over there to grab this or that, it’ll just take a second. Perhaps this has all been a bad dream”. Then I spend some time imagining doing just that. It’s amazing how used to my new situation I have gotten, but sometimes I still pretend that I’m about do an ordinary, easy thing. Now, however, taking a needed step for balance is out of the question, don’t even try, it’s all about planning, locking your knees and holding on the things. I actually don’t engage in this fantasy very often, only once in a great while, but it can be enticing to go down that road, just like tripping down the road of any other addiction.
I spent a lifetime enjoying my ease of movement. I loved to move. I prided myself in it. I was light, limber and strong. I remember recently flying up a flight of stairs, two steps at a time and thinking about how easy it was and how heavy, out of shape people just don’t know what they are missing. I remember winning a number of mountain bike races in 2016. My small adventure race team and I got second in the points rating for the nation at the end of 2016. Then, in a lack of empathy, I remember my reaction to my father, when elderly and using a walker, slowly falling over for some seemingly unknown reason. I remember thinking to myself “why did he do that? Why did he just fall over like that? Surely he saw that he was starting to tilt over.” He had also been a good mover and it was a little hard for me to comprehend.
I guess that these are the feelings I have, and the things I write about, when I am feeling sorry for myself. For quite a while, I’ve been doing a very good job of avoiding that. Lately though, I’ve been feeling that my project of outsmarting the system is soon to be stretched to the limit. These feelings come and go and I will grab onto another little project, have a good time with my peeps and live a life that is still meaningful.