I usually write when I have something positive, helpful or interesting on my mind. This is as much for my sake as for anyone else’s. What good does it do to dwell on negative feelings? I often write stories that give the impression that I am having a fine time and that I have all this under control. That is a correct impression some of the time, the percentage of which seems to be diminishing lately.
I watch my family and friends going on fabulous vacations and doing what I long to do with every fiber of my being, while I sit here in a wheelchair and, as of recently, soil myself, which is surprisingly hard to clean up when you can’t stand up. You would have been hard pressed to find a more athletic outdoor wilderness person than me. That was my home and happy place, a main focus in my life. Sitting in my wheelchair and talking to people as if I am still relevant is so much better than not doing so, but is starting to get a little old and feel a little hollow. I am growing tired of living in the past, but unfulfilled living in the present and scared of living in the future. I hate being that poor handicapped person that people are supposed to feel sorry for, or respect because of the past or some sanctity thing. It’s not that I don’t appreciate my people and their caring, I’m just a doer, and doing is no longer possible.
I am somewhat sorry and apprehensive about posting such “poor me” feelings, but I feel that if I don’t, I would be perpetrating a lie, one that could be hurtful to others in tough situations. ‘Why am I struggling when this David guy has it all under control?’ they might think. Don’t worry yourself on that point.
I appreciate that you are comfortable enough with your readers to speak about how you are feeling, even if it hard for you to write and some of us to read. We learn from each other and you giving voice to what you are going through teaches us strength and sadness can be present at the same time. I hope you know how powerful your life, put Into words, are to people.
People like you and my husband make ALS look easy. You put on your brave faces and make the best of a bad situation. People on the outside have no clue about the nitty gritty. We don’t dwell on it, but it sucks. Thanks for keeping it real.
I really respect your openness, both about the highs and the lows. While your sense of self is very much of yourself as an outdoor adventurer, your relevance to those around you is much more than that. People aren’t just talking to you because of your past. It’s because you’re a cool, interesting guy, which comes from who you are more than what you do.