Just when I defend that I didn’t think that my BLOG conveys hopelessness, I am introduced to a very difficult time. This episode was explained in my last post. I am forced to forgo my biggest pleasures, and the strategies that I employ to pretend that everything is reasonably normal, because those things are getting outside of my ability, and the new medical ailment is proving a little more difficult than first thought.
Perhaps, worse than the physicality of these things is something called depression. It is the feeling that nothing matters. It becomes difficult to see a connection between joy and anything that is possible in our lives, or in our future. An emptiness. Humor goes. It’s easy for anger to become a replacement. This is different than being disappointed, or bummed about something. I could see how this might lead to a self feeding loop, with the depression being a reason to cause depression.
As I come out of this little jolt, mentally that is, I consider myself to be extremely fortunate. Clinical depression has not been one of my problems and this is fairly rare. I am introduced to the power of it though. I can get a glimpse as to how some young people who “have it all” can be miserable and self destructive. What does it matter how much you have, if nothing matters and no connection between joy and anything at all, can be foreseen?
I can, at times, feel and seek out joy again. I can gleefully concoct humor. Not much else has changed from a few days ago, but this is huge. It’s also not something that I can take credit for.