The question that is starting to beg for an answer is how to deal with mechanical ventilation, and whether or not to go on it when needed full time. I’ve successfully been putting this out of my mind for some time but now my chest is starting to feel very heavy and tired without my breathing assistance machine. When you are struggling for air, nothing else seems of much importance. It’s pretty effective of taking over your thoughts.

I don’t think that something like this can be truthfully looked at without a broader philosophical consideration of life.

I went through a lot of mental iterations in a very short amount of time after my diagnosis. At one point, early on, I thought that I just didn’t want to die. “I’ll learn to put up with anything” I declared to myself at first. For whatever reason, that feeling passed long ago. I think that I just tired of it. Whether it was that I just didn’t want to think about it, wasn’t afraid of it, or whether I realized that missing a mission and being incapable of much accomplishment was not a pleasant thing to continue, I am not sure. Healthy humans have a need to build and influence their surroundings in some way. Simply observing just doesn’t seem to cut it very well. I am all in for going through hell in order to make it past something bad, but this is a one way trip. Any situation that is becoming difficult to endure now is only worsening, now with a little more urgency. The question that i just tired of is back, though with less panic this time.

People proclaim what they want at the end of life but I find it difficult to know before you get there.